Seth Meyers doesn’t know it, but I’ve decided to help him out with the Weekend Update segment this week. Below are some comments based on the week’s news.
This week, President Obama unveiled a series of new laws aimed at lowering the number of gun deaths in America. Reactions were mixed on the proposals. A storekeeper in Illinois said he liked the fact his future assailants would only be able to shoot him nine times before reloading. Said the man putting on a mask outside his store, “I’d like to keep my options open.”
Linn County Sheriff Tim Mueller in Oregon sent a letter to Vice President Biden explaining that he would not enforce legislation that he felt was unconstitutional. The administration said they supported Mueller’s opinion that anyone who wants a gun should have one and that they would be reassigning him to undercover duty the Hollenbeck Division of Central Los Angeles where they hope he will, quote, “have a really good time.”
A common theme among protests about the proposed legislation was to say that semi-automatic weapons are needed to ensure that the President can’t threaten law abiding citizens with the use of force.
The president replied, “You know I have drones, right?”
In other news, Lance Armstrong admitted to using performance enhancing drugs in an interview with Oprah Winfrey. When asked why he confessed to Oprah, Armstrong said he wanted to apologize to those most interested in long-distance cycling: middle aged homemakers.
Armstrong was also stripped of the bronze medal he won at the 2000 Olympics for Team USA, because even losers shouldn’t do drugs.
At the Golden Globes on Sunday, Argo took home the prize for Best Picture, which means the guy from Gigi is now on track to pick up another Oscar. It also means that it might be time to reconsider your failed attempt at a hip hop career.
A new study revealed that people under 25 are spending more time using Tumblr than Facebook. Facebook then announced a new service that lets you search for information about all of your friends, though apparently the cool kids are over on Tumblr. Or probably some other site with a name I don’t understand by the time I’m finished with this sentence.
At this point, the rest of us should really just give up figuring out what’s cool on the Internet. To me, all of these websites just look like words and pictures inside a little box on my lap. I don’t want get tumbled. Keep your stupid website. Google?
The Guardian ran a contest in which a cat made more money picking stocks than a team of professional investment managers. The cat, who had been living on the welfare of others his whole life, said he plans to keep his new found wealth in an offshore account to avoid taxes and will now be voting Republican.
Nerds took a hit this week when President Obama’s staff denied a petition to build a Death Star. The president scoffed at the notion. “Raining death from the sky? I told you, I have drones. I can already do that.”
Finally this week, a passenger on a flight from Siberia to Armenia gave birth to a baby girl with the help of the flight crew. While many on the plane considered the delivery a miracle, the guy in seat 23B just said, “Yeah, that’s great. Can I please get an extra pillow now?”
There is no word yet on whether Manti Te’o is the baby’s father.
Have a great weekend!
