We watched another episode of Jersey Shore tonight and I felt my brain turn a bit more to mush.
Of course, the season is over now. We’ve got seven episodes sitting on the DVR, and each week as the number ticked up a notch, it became more and more painful to contemplate the task of taking them all in.
You see. I hate reality TV.
I understand the term “reality” has taken on a strange meaning in regards to the boob tube, but for the sake of this discussion, it means those shows that pretend to be about real people living their lives in a real fashion, only it is obvious that they are not.
By this definition, I am leaving out the competition shows. Your American Idols, Dancing with the Stars and 90% of the programming on the Food Network these days.
We are, of course, recording Jersey Shore because it is a cultural touch point, and as advertising professionals, my wife and I feel compelled to at least pretend we care about what the rest of the country is wasting its time on.
We just can’t quite bring ourselves to watch it week in and week out. And so, the DVR queue builds. And it becomes a scary beast. Imagine seven full hours of Snooki staring you in the face. You’d probably blink, too, and throw on an episode of Chopped instead.
I’ve spent more time than a sane man should trying to figure out where my extreme distaste for the genre stems from and I think I have narrowed it down to this simple statement:
If it’s fake, then it isn’t reality; and if it’s real, then it isn’t humane.
Let’s use Kim Kardashian to illustrate.
Because I’m a man, I follow sports. And because I follow sports, I was forced to listen to a couple of talking heads on ESPN discuss the recent divorce filing of NBA lockoutee Chris Humphrees.
As I understand it from the eight million commercials running on E!, the girl with the sex tape and the guy who is currently unemployed got married a couple of months ago. And now, some seventy days later, they are getting a divorce.
And my simple question is: this is reality?
You see, I’m all for scripted TV, or even badly acted improv, as I believe most reality TV to be. Just call it that.
Kim and Chris are getting married? Their families are going to fight? They’ll figure it all out and have a beautiful wedding, smiling and kissing and drinking champagne?
I’m all for it. Have a blast. Show the viewers out there a great show.
Only, they got married for real. Like, with paperwork and everything.
My confusion overwhelms me and I don’t know whether to be annoyed or disgusted.
If it’s fake, then it isn’t reality.
If they planned this whole thing to make some money and put on a show, then let’s call it what it is: shitty improv.
If it’s real, then it isn’t humane.
If they really got married. If they really thought that their relationship was real, when it so obviously isn’t (I mean, I’ve had some friends in some god-awful bad relationships who stuck it out for more than two months), then the people who are controlling their lives are sick, sick, sick, sick monsters.
I can’t believe I’ve wasted so many words on this already.
I need an agent.
