The best description of kidney stones I’ve ever heard was Jason Alexander on The Tonight Show, explaining to Jay Leno that it felt like the hand of God had reached into his car and grabbed a hold of one of his testicles.
I can’t begin to do the story justice, but I remember laughing quite heartily at the descriptions of pain I did not quite understand. I have now had to deal with kidney stones on two different occasions and I’m looking forward to the day I can laugh at the story again.
Today is not that day.
These rocks will find their way out of my body soon enough, so I don’t want to dwell on them.
Instead, I’d like to talk about how great Vicodin is.
You hear that, kids? Drugs are awesome!
I’m only able to type this right now because it’s been two hours since I popped my last pill and the numbness has left my fingers. I just finished watching the funniest episode of Big Bang Theory ever and I’m pretty sure it’s not because of the kid from Roseanne’s acting ability.
Of course, I don’t want to condone drug use, but you gotta admit, life’s better when you’re just a little high. As long as you don’t have to go to work, or drive anywhere, or… you know, be productive.
I’ve been burning through sick days this week, trying to keep up on emails and dialing in to the occasional conference call and I can tell you, my perspective on life has changed.
Getting that presentation out the door did not feel nearly as good as the three hours I spent drooling into my pillow and listening to some construction workers put a new roof on the house next door.
Unfortunately, being in a Vicodin-induced stupor has it’s drawbacks.
I thought I might burn through some of the programming on my DVR the last few days, or enjoy the Southern California sun, but instead I’ve been mostly comatose. Staring at the ceiling in my bedroom and counting the cracks over and over again.
I’m also pretty sure I gave one of my clients an honest assessment of the feedback they provided, and that can’t be a good career move.
Hopefully, it won’t be long before these stones are a distant memory and a funny story to tell. I’d like to have my normal life back.
I will hang on to those Vicodin tablets, though. You know… just in case.
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Can’t find the video, but here’s a tweet from Jason Alexander about his kidney stone.
