Voice Mail and a Modern Conversation
By H.G. Miller
-thank you for calling atmctisb-world-net communications… our customer service
representatives will be happy to cater to your every need in an effort to keep
you from jumping to another service provider…
a customer service representative
will be with you shortly…
thank you for your patience…
all lines are currently busy, the first available operator will be with you
soon…
all calls are answered in the order they are received…
boy, you really called on the wrong night…
yes, that is yanni's greatest hits your listening too. would you prefer john
tesh?…
please understand that i am only a voice mail system and am designed to handle
only the most rudimentary of commands…
your questions perplex me…stick what where?…
somebody's probably calling to complain about a billing error… those people
take forever… again, please accept our deepest apologies for the wait…
you know, if you bitch enough, we might fork over a coupon for some free cell
phone minutes or something… don't tell them i said that, though…
hey, somebody's ready to take your call now… please hold while i transfer you…
--------------------------------------------
“Thank you for calling the atmctisb-world-net communications help line. How may
I provide you with excellent customer service?”
“Wow, do you have to say that to everybody?”
“Yes, sir.”
“That must suck.”
“I can't say, sir. How may I help you?”
“Yeah, I'm having trouble with my internet connection?”
“What sort of trouble?”
“It's not there.”
“Do you mean that the equipment doesn't seem to be responding, or has the cable
modem been stolen?”
“It's not responding. I think I'd know the problem if it was stolen.”
“You'd be surprised, sir. How long have you been having trouble connecting?”
“Since yesterday.”
“Have you tried restarting your computer, power-cycling the modem, hitting your
monitor with the flat of your hand or converting to Christianity, accepting the
lord Jesus as your savior and begging his eternal forgiveness for your life of
sin so that he may grant you the working internet you so desperately seek?”
“Um, everything but the last one.”
“That's all right. It usually doesn't work, anyway.”
“I'd imagine not.”
“You'd be surprised, sir. Okay, it says here that your account has been
suspended.”
“Why?”
“I don't know.”
“How do I get it unsuspended?”
“That's a good question.”
“I thought so.”
“Let me check your records to see if I can figure out why you've been
suspended. All bills have been paid on time. No extra computers hooked up. Hmm…”
“What?”
“You're single, huh?”
“Yeah. So?”
“Just checking the files, sir.”
“This is getting a little personal, isn't it?”
“The world wide web belongs to everybody, sir. Okay, I think I've found
something.”
“Great. What is it?”
“It looks as though you cut somebody off in traffic last week.”
“What's that got to do with anything?”
“Apparently, you cut off one of the vice-presidents of our subsidiary,
atmctisb-world-net hand lotions and creams. He was on his way to a very
important meeting. He was not amused.”
“So, he cut off my internet?”
“Not personally, sir. It looks like he had an assistant call up his uncle, the
Senior Vice President of Telephony Research at our Austin offices, who then
pulled a few favors to get in touch with our Executive Council President, Mr.
Carl Atchison, asked him to have your service suspended, at which point, Mr.
Atchison had his assistant put in the order to our service department in the
Western Los Angeles region, who then came by your apartment at approximately
4:45 a.m. on Wednesday morning and used a pair of Hammonds Brand garden shears
to slice the cable connecting you with the lovely ladies of
Amsterdam-Hotties.Com.”
“I cut him off in traffic, and he cut off my internet.”
“It's kind of poetic, isn't it?”
“It's a little insane.”
“Yeah, that's sort of how we do things here.”
“Is everybody there crazy?”
“You'd be surprised, sir.”