Sorry, No Pets
By H.G. Miller
You can view the live performance of this sketch by
CLICKING HERE.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
The LANDLORD and LUCY walk through an empty apartment.
LANDLORD
As you can see, it's a spacious one
bedroom apartment for only fifteen
hundred dollars a month. There are
no pets, no parking and no laundry
facilities on site. It's quite a
steal.
LUCY
This is a pretty sketchy
neighborhood for that kind of
money.
LANDLORD
Actually, there hasn't been a gang
shooting here in almost three
weeks. If you don't wear blue, you
should be fine.
Lucy looks at her BLUE SHAWL.
LANDLORD (CONT'D)
It's not really your color, anyway.
LUCY
Well, you and I don't agree on the
meaning of spacious, either.
LANDLORD
I can offer you a discount for
moving in early.
LUCY
Not interested.
Lucy exits.
LANDLORD
I'll waive the application fee! You
can paint the walls! Please, I'm so
sick of showing this place!
The landlord sighs.
MISTRESS CATRINA, a very commanding woman, enters.
MISTRESS CATRINA
Wow, is this place bright.
LANDLORD
Yes, it is. And, it's only fifteen
hundred--
MISTRESS CATRINA
Yeah, I saw the ad. I'm just trying
to decide if this is a good place
for my pets.
LANDLORD
Actually, I'm afraid it's no pets.
MISTRESS CATRINA
Not those kind of pets, dear. I
hate animals. I hope this is a
quiet neighborhood. I don't like to
be disturbed.
LANDLORD
There's actually a helicopter that
comes by most nights just to make
sure the streets are clear. Um, you
were talking about pets--
MISTRESS CATRINA
That's right.
The mistress raps her knuckles on the wall.
MISTRESS CATRINA (CONT'D)
These walls have no insulation.
LANDLORD
It is an older building. I assure
you, though, the climate is quite
mild.
MISTRESS CATRINA
I'm not worried about getting cold.
Look, I'm a freelance dominatrix --
my card -- Sometimes the client
starts screaming "help me, help
me," and if some neighbor gets
freaked out and calls the cops...
well, it's a real drag.
LANDLORD
(gulp)
Yes. I suppose it would be.
MISTRESS CATRINA
I mean, what if somebody forgets
their safe word and dies. I'm going
to want a little privacy while I
decide whether or not to dispose of
the body.
LANDLORD
You know, I was reading in The
Times that there are several
unsolved murders from this area, so
it sounds like the cops are pretty
hands off.
MISTRESS CATRINA
I don't know. I'm still not sold. I
really wanted a smaller closet.
Sorry.
Mistress Catrina exits.
LANDLORD
Okay. Regroup. We are going to sell
this place today. Remember, Dr.
Phil believes in you.
JEFF enters, a messenger bag slung over his shoulder.
JEFF
Hi. I'm Jeff Roberts. I called
about the apartment this morning.
LANDLORD
Yes, welcome. You're the
accountant. I've been looking
forward to meeting you. I hope you
got the application I faxed over.
JEFF
Yes, ma'am. I filled it out in blue
ink, just like you asked. And
here's a cashier's check for the
fee. I wanted to make sure you
could run the credit report right
away.
LANDLORD
Bless you.
(reading)
Good work history. Salary. You even
drive a Jetta. I adore those little
cars.
JEFF
The place looks great. I'm guessing
it's not pets.
LANDLORD
No. I'm afraid not.
JEFF
That's cool. I do have a question,
though. If I bring home a lobster,
and it gets out and crawls around
on the kitchen floor. That's okay,
right?
LANDLORD
Sure. You know, you can get these
great cages downtown at the fish
market.
JEFF
I know. I just like to let them run
around. Sometimes I'll dress them
up a little.
LANDLORD
Oh, I know a great garlic butter
dressing for lobster.
JEFF
I mean in skirts. I have a little
dress outfit that I put on her. And
a nightie.
LANDLORD
That certainly sounds... exotic.
JEFF
It is. I love the way she looks in
a black teddy... her red claws
snapping seductively. Look, I
should tell you: I'm actually
moving into this apartment with a
lobster. I want her to be my life
partner. She's from Maine.
LANDLORD
Eh, most of the good ones are, I
hear. I'm not really sure if that's
legal, though.
JEFF
Okay, I'll come clean. I'm married.
I met Ingrid on a business trip in
Europe. We fell in love. But, it
would devastate my kids if I left
my wife. So, I'm getting her this
apartment. This way, we'll have a
place to make love in peace. You
have to understand, this lobster
has changed my life. You've got to
let her stay here.
LANDLORD
I'm really trying to rent this
place. It just doesn't seem right.
JEFF
Oh, okay. I get it. You're
uncomfortable with our lifestyle so
it must be wrong.
Jeff pulls out INGRID, the lobster, from his bag.
JEFF (CONT'D)
I just want you to take a look into
these eyes. Look into her eyes and
tell me if this love is wrong.
LANDLORD
I, uh... Okay.
JEFF
They're on the side here.
LANDLORD
You know what, sure. You can stay
here. Hell, the place is probably
going to be condemned soon, anyway.
JEFF
Oh, we can't thank you enough.
(to the lobster)
Honey, we're home.
