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Published:
7/5/05

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Old Man, Dumb Blonde

By H.G. Miller

We had to write a scene with two standard-issue characters. I chose an old man and a dumb blonde.

               
INT. SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT HOME - DAY

Jill brings Jack a glass of milk.
		
		JILL
	Happy Wednesday, Mr. Hefenugle.
		
		JACK
	It's Hefnagle, you twit.
		
		JILL
	Twists my tongue every time.
		
		JACK
	A man lives 80 years, you think 
	he's earned the right to have his 
	family name pronounced correctly.
		
		JILL
	I brought you your low-fat Lactaid, 
	just how you like it.
		
		JACK
	Can't you just call it milk?
		
		JILL
	Now now, mister, you know how gassy 
	real milk makes you. That banana 
	Nesquik you snuck from the 
	refrigerator forced the resignation 
	of two orderlies.
		
		JACK
	Yeah, I knew you'd rat me out on 
	that one. We had a word for blabber 
	mouths like you in my day.
		
		JILL
	My mom says I would have been 
	called an angel during any time in 
	history.
		
		JACK
	Dead. That's what we'd call you. If 
	you had been with us when we 
	stormed the beaches at Normandie, 
	they'd have shot you in the back 
	for the good of the platoon.
		
		JILL
	Oh, I don't go to the beach. Tan 
	lines and skin cancer, ugh. I'm 
	trying to be an actress and good 
	skin is important. You know, I 
	spend three hours every day making 
	sure I don't smile so I don't have 
	lines later in life.
		
		JACK
	Isn't that what that Mary Kay crap 
	is for? You certainly don't seem 
	afraid of make up. There's enough 
	caked on you some days to cover up 
	three or four of them transvestite 
	hookers from East Hollywood.
		
		JILL
	I only put on a little make up when 
	I'm going out with my boyfriend, 
	and I only use the Martha Stewart 
	line of all-natural, hypo-
	allergenic creams with aloe and yak 
	butter components.
		
		JACK
	Blondie, the only thing that gets 
	me to sleep at night is knowing 
	that someday you're going to be as 
	old and wrinkled as I am.
		
		JILL
	That's not true. The other nurses 
	say you never sleep through the 
	night. Why, you're just like a 
	newborn baby.
		
		JACK
	If I had the strength, I'd wrap my 
	hands around your neck right now.
		
		JILL
	Oh, that's sweet. Hey, would you 
	mind helping me learn my lines for 
	an audition?
		
		JACK
	Will you wheel me over by the TV so 
	I can watch Judge Judy and ignore 
	you?
		
		JILL
	It's a deal. Here!

She hands him a script.
		
		JILL
	Okay, here's the scene: You're the 
	warden at an all-girl prison in the 
	Arizona desert. I'm a new inmate 
	who refuses to play by the rules. I 
	keep shirking the dress code by 
	ripping my shirt and pants to show 
	off my taught belly and shapely 
	legs. I think I rub oil on myself a 
	few times, too.

Jack's jaw is on the floor.
		
		JACK
	Go on.
		
		JILL
	That's it. You just have to read 
	the lines that say "warden" in 
	front of them. You're about to 
	punish me.
		
		JACK
	If I'm the warden, I don't think I 
	punish that kind of behavior.
		
		JILL
	Well, duh, silly. It's a movie. 
	It's not like it's real or 
	anything. Have you seen Legally 
	Blonde? Reese Witherspoon would 
	never be something as boring as a 
	lawyer in real life.
		
		JACK
	You're just pretending to be a 
	stripper. I get it. You know, in my 
	younger days, me and my platoon 
	mate Johnny Gomez would go to this 
	Korean Massage place in the city. 
	The girls there would treat us like 
	kings -- dancing and taking off 
	their kimonos. Why, if I'd asked 
	for a glass of milk there, a young 
	asian lass would bring it in a jug 
	and pour it into my mouth from 
	between her legs.

He stares longingly at his glass of Lactaid.
		
		JILL
	You know, I don't see any of that 
	in my script. Are you sure you're 
	on the right page?
		
		JACK
	What kind of movie is this? Don't 
	they make family comedies with 
	talking dogs anymore?
		
		JILL
	My friend Mark says this is what's 
	called a 'skin flick.' He says I 
	won't have to be a very good actor 
	to get the part, but I think it's 
	important to practice my craft 
	anyway.
		
		JACK
	You know, that Andy Rooney really 
	knew how to act before he started 
	selling insurance.
		
		JILL
	Mark says that if I do well in a 
	few of these smaller budget movies, 
	then I'll get to move on to the big 
	blockbusters. I bet I get to meet 
	that talking dog.
		
		JACK
	You know, dearie. I might need a 
	bag full of Viagra to get an 
	erection and a few ounces of 
	marijuana to clear up this 
	glaucoma, but I can see that this 
	might not be the most reputable of 
	movies.
		
		JILL
	Wow, you know where to get pot? 
	That's so cool! 

Jack gives up. Opens his script.
		
		JACK
	So, I'm the warden?
			
			FADE OUT.