Apartment
By H.G. Miller
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
HAROLD, an effeminate landlord, shows an empty apartment.
LUCY and GEORGE follow him in.
HAROLD
It's a one-bedroom apartment.
Eleven-hundred dollars a month,
with an eleven-hundred-dollar
deposit, and a twenty-five-dollar
application fee.
GEORGE
That's kind of steep for a one
bedroom, isn't it?
HAROLD
Not in this neighborhood.
LUCY
I'll need a parking space.
HAROLD
Street parking only.
GEORGE
What about laundry facilities?
HAROLD
Nope.
LUCY
Hmm. I have a small chihuahua.
HAROLD
Sorry. No pets.
LUCY
I don't think you're goin to sell
this apartment.
Lucy and George exit.
HAROLD
I'm not worried. Good luck finding
a place for you and your little
rodent.
PHIL, a no-nonsense guy, enters.
PHIL
You showing the apartment?
HAROLD
Yes, I am. It's eleven-hundred--
PHIL
Yeah, I saw the ad. What about
pets?
HAROLD
No pets.
PHIL
Good. I hate animals. I hope this
is a quiet neighborhood. I don't
like to be disturbed.
HAROLD
Well, we are away from the main
road, so there isn't a lot of
traffic. However, there is a small
strip of shops nearby that cater to
the eclectic crowd. I'm told that
it's a "fun" neighborhood.
Phil examines the walls. Knocks on them.
PHIL
Right. These walls have no
insulation.
HAROLD
It is an older building. I assure
you, though, the climate in
Southern California is quite mild.
PHIL
I'm not worried about getting cold.
Look, I'm into S&M. Sometimes the
girl starts screaming "help me,
help me," and if some neighbor gets
freaked out and calls the cops...
well, it's a real drag.
HAROLD
(gulp)
Yes. I suppose it would be. Maybe
this isn't the place for you.
PHIL
(still snooping around)
Yeah. I'd want a smaller closet,
anyway.
Phil turns to leave. Tuns back. Hands Harold a card.
HAROLD
If you're feeling freaky. Call me.
He winks. Smiles. Exits.
Phil feigns disgust. Puts the card in his pocket.
JEFF enters.
JEFF
Hi. I called about the apartment
this morning.
HAROLD
Yes, welcome. You're the
accountant. I've been looking
forward to meeting you. I hope you
got the application I faxed over.
JEFF
Yes, sir. I filled it out in blue
ink, just like you asked.
HAROLD
Wonderful.
Harold reads it over.
JEFF
And here's a cashier's check for
the fee. I wanted to make sure you
could run the credit report right
away.
HAROLD
Bless you. Good work history.
Salary. You even drive a Jetta. I
adore those little cars.
JEFF
Heh. Farfegnugen.
HAROLD
Ha! Such funny ads. Well, look
around. Tell me if you have any
questions.
JEFF
It looks great. I'm guessing it's
not pets.
HAROLD
I'm afraid not.
JEFF
That's cool. I do have a question,
though. If I bring home a lobster,
and it gets out and crawls around
on the kitchen floor. That's okay,
right?
HAROLD
Sure. You know, you can get these
great cages downtown at the fish
market.
JEFF
I know. I just like to let them run
around. Sometimes I'll dress them
up a little.
HAROLD
Oh, I know a great garlic butter
dressing for lobster.
JEFF
I mean in skirts. I have a little
dress outfit that I put on them.
And a nightie.
HAROLD
That certainly sounds... exotic.
JEFF
It is. I love the way she looks in
a black teddy... her red claws
snapping seductively. Look, I
should tell you: I'm actually
moving into this apartment with a
lobster. I want her to be my life
partner. She's from Norway.
HAROLD
You say she's a foreigner? Hmm.
JEFF
Don't worry. She speaks good
English. And she has a job.
HAROLD
This is a lobster?
JEFF
Okay, I'll come clean. I'm married.
I met Ingrid on a business trip in
Europe. We fell in love. But, it
would devastate my kids if I left
my wife. So, I'm getting her this
apartment. This way, we'll have a
place to make love in peace. You
have to understand, this lobster
has changed my life. You've got to
let her stay here.
HAROLD
You can pay first and last month's
rent?
JEFF
Yes.
HAROLD
Great. It's yours.