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"The Untitled Dead Hamster Project"
by
H.G. Miller
606 N. Genesee Ave.
Apt. #3
Los Angeles, CA 90036
(323) 655-8079
EXT. UNIVERSAL POINTE APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING
A bright day in L.A. Low Smog.
A MEXICAN GARDENER stuffs trimmings into a trash sack. Wipes
his brow. Looks to the sky.
A small PASSENGER JET cruises overhead.
The jet SWOOPS to the ground. Left wing on FIRE. CRASHES
into the top level of the apartment complex.
FIRE. DEBRIS.
A VERY-SCARED gardener.
INT. MCCANN-ERICKSON - DAY
Standard-issue cubicle farm. Light-grey on dark-grey color
scheme.
JEFF CHAMBERS sits in his cube. Almost asleep. Surrounded by
VIDEO CASSETTES.
Just out of college, this is not where he pictured his
degree would take him. He is unshaved and unmotivated.
A small TV/VCR combo set shows FOOTAGE of the plane crash.
DURK ADAMS, a well-dressed stiff from Human Resources, walks
in.
DURK
Jeff. Hi.
Jeff's face SOURS.
JEFF
Oh, shit.
DURK
So, you've heard about the layoffs?
JEFF
Yeah. Tina called me.
DURK
It was hard to let her go.
JEFF
(mock understanding)
It always is.
Durk points to the TV.
DURK
Watching the news?
JEFF
Just rewinding a tape.
DURK
Right, you...?
JEFF
I scan these tapes looking for our
client's products in the various
televison programs and movie
vehicles within which we have tried
to place them.
He picks up a can of COKE. TIPS it to Durk. Drinks.
JEFF
It's sort of the bastard child of
all the real advertising we do here.
DURK
I see.
LACEY BECKER, the last beautiful girl, comes from around the
corner.
LACEY
Hey, Jeff, you want to get lunch
toda--
(sees Durk)
Oh, shit.
JEFF
Yeah, I think I'm going to be free
for lunch.
DURK
I'm not always the bad guy here.
LACEY
So, you're not firing Jeff?
DURK
Well, we have to discuss a few
things first.
LACEY
No lunch, then?
JEFF
Maybe some other time.
Lacey exits.
DURK
You should have asked her out to
dinner.
JEFF
I guess I'm not that brave.
DURK
Just trying to help.
He checks his clipboard.
DURK
Now, are you aware of a company
called VMS that provides a similar
service to what you do?
JEFF
Yeah. I'm assuming that's why
you're here.
DURK
Unfortunately, yes. But, there is
more.
JEFF
What? Are you going to fire me and
kick me in the shin?
DURK
Actually, we're considering moving
you over to the media team.
JEFF
Is that really better than getting
laid off?
Durk gives a heavy sigh.
DURK
Look, Jeff. I'm trying to help, but
frankly, I'm concerned about your
professional motivation.
JEFF
What about it?
DURK
I don't think you have any?
JEFF
Is that a problem?
DURK
Well, yeah, Jeff. We want somebody
that's excited to be a part of our
team.
JEFF
I watch video-tapes on fast forward
for hours at a time. How am I
supposed to get excited about that?
DURK
Look. I-I just can see that this
isn't working out. You obviously
don't want to adjust your attitude
to work with the team, so... I
think it would be best if we ended
our relationship.
JEFF
Durk. We don't have a relationship.
DURK
I mean you're fired, Jeff.
JEFF
Oh.
(gets it)
Right...
INT. HUMANITIES BUILDING - DAY
The office of PROFESSOR WARREN, your typical college history
teacher. Beard, sports jacket and stacks of books about
civilizations eons old.
DEXTER WEILAND has the tips of his hair colored purple --
with courdoroy pants that match -- and wears a t-shirt
extolling the virtues of marijuana.
Warren absently watches footage of the plane crash on a
small portable televison.
WARREN
Fascinating, isn't it?
DEXTER
Yeah, I think that's near my
apartment.
WARREN
Hmm. Good luck with that. Please,
have a seat. Thanks for coming by,
Dexter.
DEXTER
Sure thing, prof. What's up?
WARREN
Well... here.
He hands Dexter a LETTER.
WARREN
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
DEXTER
(reading)
They're dropping my scholorship?
WARREN
Yes.
DEXTER
They can't do that, though. Don't I
have to flunk like three classes
first?
WARREN
You've flunked four.
DEXTER
What, no practice run?
WARREN
Mr. Weiland. You have now attended
this university for three semesters.
Thus far, you have been absent for
nearly sixty percent of your
classes, you have done nothing to
further the ruputation of this
department, and you have produced
no material with even a speck of
acedimic merit.
The professor takes a sip of his coffee for effect.
WARREN
Dexter. What have you been doing
here?
DEXTER
Um, well... I guess, hitting on
chicks. Mostly.
EXT. UNIVERSAL POINTE APARTMENT COMPLEX - LATER
SCURRY PENDALTON, a mousy-looking man with a button-up shirt
two-sizes too small checks over the wreckage of the aircraft,
still smoldering in the side of the building.
AGENT DENTON, late thirties, the perfectly-professional
assistant director of the local CIA Bereau, walks up with
authority.
DENTON
What have you got, Scurry?
SCURRY
Nothing yet, Agent Denton.
Scurry makes a mark on his report.
SCURRY
I'm sure the damn thing is in there
somewhere.
DENTON
You mean, you haven't found it yet?
SCURRY
The fire department wanted to check
for survivors first.
Denton KICKS aside some rubble.
DENTON
Figures.
INT. JEFF'S APARTMENT - DUSK
TEJANO MUSIC booms from the neighbor's apartment.
Dexter sits on the couch playing Nintendo. Jeff plops down
in the chair across from him.
DEXTER
(to TV)
Come on, you fucker. That's right,
swing your tail over to daddy. All
right, take a step back, breathe...
now, SWING! Arg! Goddammit.
Dexter pauses the game and looks to the Zelda hint book at
his side.
DEXTER
"Wait for the dragon to swing his
tail, then stab it with the spirit
sword." I am stabbing it with the
spirit sword. It's not doing a damn
thing.
JEFF
I think you just have to time it
right.
DEXTER
I am timing it right. It's this
stupid controller. I told you we
should buy a new one.
JEFF
A good craftsman never blames his
tools.
DEXTER
He would if he had a broken fucking
hammer.
JEFF
You want me to give it a try?
DEXTER
No. I want to stick my spirit sword
up this dragon's ass so I can move
on to the next level and have my
skills humbled against a fire dwarf
of something ludicrous like that.
JEFF
So, how long have you been at this?
DEXTER
I don't know, what time is it, like
six?
JEFF
It's eight o'clock.
He looks over at Jeff.
DEXTER
No shit?
Jeff motions to the game, which Dexter has just lost.
DEXTER
Fuck...
JEFF
You're not going to thow a tantrum,
are you?
DEXTER
I do not throw tantrums. I simply
have heated theological
conversations between myself and my
maker concerning his constant
humiliation by 64-bit, digitally-
animated mutants.
JEFF
Maybe if you write the company,
they'll have the offending obstacles
taken out.
DEXTER
Screw that. I'll just quit. So, why
are you home so late?
JEFF
I've just been driving around.
Doing some thinking.
DEXTER
Anything in particular?
JEFF
Work stuff, mostly. I don't know. I
just wish I could find a job that
gave some kind of purpose to my
life. You know, and pay rent.
DEXTER
Ah, rent. Hey, about that. I sort
of lost my scholorship today. Any
chance you can cover me for a month
while I try to weasle my way back
into the system?
Jeff laughs.
JEFF
Yeah, about that. I sort of got
fired today. Rent might not be so
easy to come by.
Silence as the news sinks in for the both of them.
The music gets LOUDER next door.
JEFF
There has to be some way to get
motivated out of this shit.
DEXTER
You mean, like some Tony Robbins
cassettes or something?
JEFF
I don't know. I'll work up some
kind of action plan, I guess.
DEXTER
That's like, the farthest thing
from actual action, right?
JEFF
Pretty much. I just wish I could
even get myself to care. I mean, I
know I'm just going to get another
meaningless office job. Why even
bother having passion for it?
A loud THUMP echoes through the wall. Both LOOK. The TEJANO
keeps on jamming.
JEFF
Okay, this music is way too loud,
and I'm not in a mood to just take
it.
Jeff walks out. Dexter follows.
DEXTER
You sure you don't want to call a
meeting first? Maybe focus group it?
EXT. CASA MERTE APARTMENTS - SAME
Spanish for house and French for fesces, the complex leaves
much to be desired. The green stucco does offer a nice
palette for the gangland grafiti.
The TEJANO MUSIC is even more prominent as Jeff and Dexter
step up to their neighbor's DOOR.
Jeff KNOCKS. The door SWINGS open. The boys look in to the
WRECKAGE inside.
DEXTER
Dude! You've got to turn this down!
INT. FELIPE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Through the bathroom door, the Mexican gardener from earlier
lays DEAD in the bathtub. Several BULLET HOLES in his chest.
A BRIEFCASE at his side.
DEXTER
That doesn't look so good.
Jeff RUSHES into the bathroom.
JEFF
What happened?
DEXTER
I think somebody shot him.
JEFF
No shit, batman. What for?
DEXTER
What's in the case?
Jeff picks up the briefcase.
The music STOPS.
DAMON (OC)
That needn't worry you.
DAMON and VINCE, early thrties, dressed in black, two
professional gangster types, point LARGE GUNS at Jeff and
Dexter.
JEFF
Well, this is turning out to be one
great-fucking-day.
Damon waves his gun at the case.
DAMON
On the ground. Now.
DEXTER
Now, just a--
Vince FIRES. The door frame EXPLODES next to Dexter's head.
DEXTER
Dude! That was not cool!
VINCE
Put the case down.
JEFF
And then what?
VINCE
And then I shoot you.
JEFF
Okay, no deal.
Vince shrugs. Raises his gun.
Dexter DIVES into the small kitchenette.
Damon FIRES at him.
Dexter comes up from behind the counter with a FLY SWATTER
in one hand. A can of RAID in the other.
DAMON
You've got to be kidding.
DEXTER
I feel I should warn you. I own all
fourteen of Bruce Lee's feature
films on DVD and have studied them
extensively.
Jeff RUSHES at Damon. Holds the briefcase up for a shield.
He KNOCKS Damon back. The gun FIRES into the ceiling.
Dexter RUSHES Vince. SPRAYS Raid in his eyes.
A MELEE on the ground.
Jeff and Dexter break free. Sprint out the door.
DAMON
Get them!
EXT. CASA MERTE APARTMENTS - SAME
Vince lumbers out of the apartment. Damon follows.
CLANG. A shopping cart crashes to the ground.
DEXTER
Ow.
Jeff and Dexter push the cart out of the way.
JEFF
Split?
DEXTER
Okay.
They BOLT in opposite directions.
INTERCUT - INT/EXT APARTMENT COMPLEX - CHASE SEQUENCE
Jeff VAULTS up a staircase. Damon follows.
DOWNSTAIRS
Dexter comes to a "T" in a hallway. Turns the corner. Leans
against the wall.
Vince pursues.
Children nearby play with a RUSTY GOLF PUTTER. Dexter GRABS
it. SHOOS them away. Takes a breath. Wheels around the
corner...
STOPS JUST SHORT of whacking the hell out of an elderly lady
carrying groceries.
She starts JABBERING at him in Spanish. He apologizes. Sees
Vince coming. In all kindness, SHOVES the old lady into
Vince's path.
UPSTAIRS
Jeff frantically tries doors along the hallway.
Locked. Locked. Locked.
Damon finds him. FIRES a shot.
A door OPENS. Jeff LUNGES inside.
INSIDE THE APARTMENT
SOFT MUSIC plays. Jeff works his way to the bedroom. Finds a
COUPLE engaged in the beautiful act of making love.
The girl SCREAMS.
The guy grabs his boxers. Prepares to pummel Jeff.
Jeff opens the window blinds.
HORNY MAN
What do you think you're doing? Get
the hell out of here. I'm going to
kick your--
Jeff nods politely. SWINGS the briefcase. SHATTERS the window.
HORNY MAN
What the hell?!
Damon KICKS in the bedroom door.
Jeff JUMPS...
PARKING LOT
...with little grace onto the top of a hippied-out Volkswagon
Van.
Dexter RUNS out of a doorway into the lot.
Eye contact.
DEXTER
Car?
JEFF
Car.
Damon POPS off shots from the apartment window.
The boys scramble for Jeff's used GRAND AM.
Vince runs out of the doorway.
The car RAMS through the electric gate as it STRUGGLES to
open.
APARTMENT
Pissed off, Damon turns back into the room and walks past
the naked guy and girl.
HORNY MAN
Hey, man. Where'd you get that gun?
EXT. CASA MERTE APARTMENTS - LATER
Detective REGINALD CHASE, 30's, black and cocky, questions
the Horny Naked Man, who now dons the outfit of Starlight
Security Systems.
CHASE
So, you don't think this is gang-
related?
GUARD
No. Just two white guys. Real quiet.
Afraid of everybody, I think.
The guard points to the taped-off apartment.
GUARD
Felipe. Man, never did nothing but
smoke dope and cut grass. Never
hurt nobody.
CHASE
You're saying he used drugs?
GUARD
Oh. I don't know.
CHASE
Mm-hm. Where were you when all of
this went down?
GUARD
Just... Making the rounds.
CHASE
And, you say one of the white guys
had a briefcase with him?
GUARD
Yeah. He used it to smash the
window up there.
CHASE
And where were you when you saw that?
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT
A make-shift suite in the corner of one of the numerous
buildings lining Wilshire Boulevard.
Damon and Vince sit at a conference table. A SPEAKER PHONE
in the center BUZZES with a MAN'S VOICE, cold and measured.
MAN'S VOICE
You say they were kids.
DAMON
They didn't look too old. Twenty-
two, twenty-three each, tops.
MAN'S VOICE
Were they sent by somebody?
DAMON
I don't think so. They seemed
pretty surprised by the whole
situation.
MAN'S VOICE
And why did they get away?
Damon and Vince look at each other. Then the floor.
MAN'S VOICE
What about the gardener?
VINCE
We had to leave him when the heat
came.
MAN'S VOICE
But, the boys took the case?
VINCE
Yeah, boss.
MAN'S VOICE
Well, I suppose that's something,
then. He really tried to negotiate?
DAMON
No one ever accused Felipe of being
the brightest.
VINCE
You should have let somebody with a
little more loyalty handle the
package.
The cold voice gets even COLDER.
MAN'S VOICE
Yes. I'll be sure to keep a more
watchful eye on the help. Find them.
INT. JACK IN THE BOX - NIGHT
Jeff and Dexter find a booth. Look around nervously.
DEXTER
You're the one who said you wanted
some excitement in your life.
JEFF
Ha. You think this is all just a
part of that whole random violence
in L.A. thing?
DEXTER
Could be.
JEFF
Then, we should be able to go back
to our normal lives.
DEXTER
Of unemployment and poverty.
JEFF
Right. All of that. We can have it
back, right?
DEXTER
Oh, I'm sure of it.
Dexter stuffs some fries in his mouth.
DEXTER
Wanna look inside the case?
JEFF
No.
DEXTER
Come on.
JEFF
I figure whatever is in here is bad
enough to get our neighbor killed,
our own persons shot at, and pretty
much destroy what little we had.
DEXTER
So, let's see it, then.
JEFF
I'm still a little scared of it.
DEXTER
Man, you need to get some balls.
Here, I'll do it.
JEFF
Okay, but if your face starts
metlting don't blame me.
Dexter opends the case and immediately lets his half-chewed
fries fall into his lap.
JEFF
What is it?
Dexter turns the case to Jeff.
MONEY. LOTS and LOTS of money. Rows of STACKED CASH line the
case.
A GANGSTA PUNK in the corner NOTICES.
JEFF
Whoa. How much do you think that is?
DEXTER
You got me.
JEFF
We should take it to the police.
DEXTER
Sure. We'll let them take it and
hope that whoever those guys are
don't come looking for us.
JEFF
You think we can do anything with
this? We don't even have the first
clue where it came from, let alone
where it's supposed to go.
DEXTER
Right, right. We aren't nearly cool
enough to pull something like this
off.
JEFF
Let's just get it off our hands.
DEXTER
But, what happens then? Shouldn't
we at least lay low overnight and
talk to a lawyer or something?
JEFF
Man, I don't know.
DEXTER
Come on. Let's find somebody that
can help. It's the safe thing to
do, anyway.
JEFF
Yeah, I guess you're right.
EXT. VENTURA BOULEVARD - LATER
The street is alive with TRAFFIC and PEDESTRIANS.
The Punk FOLLOWS Jeff and Dexter. A HOMELESS MAN aproaches.
HOMELESS MAN
Change? Please, may God bless you.
You must have some cash to spare.
DEXTER
Sorry, buddy. Not tonight.
Dexter and Jeff stare sheepishly at the case.
It gets SNATCHED by the Gansta Punk!
JEFF
Hey!
The punk makes a few strides before TRIPPING over a SMALL
DOG, who's large FAT LADY owner (in spandex) PROTESTS.
FAT LADY
Ah! Muffin. Somebody, help!
The somebodies that come to help are two POLICE OFFICERS.
Dexter GRABS the case.
DEXTER
Sorry, buddy, but this is mine.
OFFICER 1
Okay, everybody remain calm.
The punk is unwilling to let go. The spandex queen WAILS on.
The latch on the case lets LOOSE.
MONEY FLYING EVERYWHERE!
The first to spring to action is the homeless man. His
hobbled leg bothers him little now.
HOMELESS MAN
No spare cash, eh?
Mass PANDEMONIUM ensues. THRONGS of people start GRABBING
for the cash.
OFFICER 2
I think this is bad.
OFFICER 1
(into radio)
We need backup at the corner of
Ventura and Colfax.
Cars stop in the street. Honking begins.
The first policeman spots Jeff and Dexter sneaking off.
OFFICER 1
You two. Stop there.
DEXTER
(re: crowd)
I think you've got other problems.
He grabs Jeff and pulls him to the car.
The officer takes some strides and gets to the Grand Am just
as it accelerates up onto the curb and down a side street.
INT. GRAND AM - NIGHT
JEFF
Whoah! I can't believe I just did
that!
DEXTER
Feel good?
JEFF
Not so much now. I think we should
probably go back.
DEXTER
Go back? Dude, we just lost the
only thing of value we had.
Dexter opens the case and pulls away the few bills left
inside.
DEXTER
There's maybe four, five hundred
left here...
He finds a small SEEM. Pulls it away.
DEXTER
Hold on, what's this...
Reaching into the HIDDEN COMPARTMENT, he pulls out...
A DEAD HAMSTER.
A VERY-IMPORTANT-LOOKING dead hamster. Encased in a PLASTIC
BAG filled with PINK FLUID. Barcodes and metallic tags.
Official to the max.
JEFF
Say, that is interesting.
DEXTER
I think it's dead.
Jeff pulls to the side of the road.
JEFF
What would anybody want with a dead
gerbil?
DEXTER
Hamster.
JEFF
What?
DEXTER
It's a dead hamster. I'm pretty sure.
JEFF
Oh, well then, it all makes perfect
sense.
POLICE LIGHTS AND SIRENS appear in the distance.
Jeff and Dexter look at each other.
Jeff looks to the POLICE LIGHTS. Sighs.
DEXTER
Well, it was fun while it last--
Jeff FLOORS it. Tires SCREACHING as they speed away.
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